What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:50
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is soul school!.
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I can not sleep. what is the problem?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
I will be 64.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Is it possible to revive a dead person in real life with black magic?
It was going to be , some day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why does the UK Labour MP Jess Philips seem to be such a divisive figure?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why am I not attracted to masculine men? Why do I like more feminine attributes on a man?
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Are landlords allowed to make unreasonable requests?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What did i know ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She found it foreign!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I said to her
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was scared of men, in general
All the time i was locked up.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was very sick at this time too.
My life is so biszare .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We all went to grammer schools
Who then, do I blame.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
He knew the spot.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She loved him until the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I write beautiful poetry .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I have no regrets .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So whats the point in blame.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Put me off passion for life!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ive learnt so much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He resisted the act ,that day.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.